Whether they dare to try again starts with how we praise them
這一集，我很喜歡。他數到第七、第八、第九個教養誤區，這次引用的是兩份別人做的研究，不是他自己的觀察。This one, I really liked. He's counting off parenting mistakes seven, eight, and nine — this time citing two studies done by others, not just his own observation.
保護，還是準備 Protecting, or preparing
他提到一項比較：同一道數學題，新加坡的孩子願意花一小時以上去解，美國的孩子平均 37 秒就放棄了——不是不聰明，是已經習慣不用掙扎。He mentions a comparison: given the same math problem, Singaporean children worked on it for over an hour, while American children gave up after an average of 37 seconds — not because they're less smart, but because they've grown used to not having to struggle.
「我覺得我們把保護這件事做得比準備這件事好太多了。我可以再說一次嗎？我們把保護做得比準備好。」"I think we've done a lot better job protecting than we have preparing. Can I say that again? We've done a better job protecting than preparing."
這句話讓我停下來——我們很容易把「馬上出手，不讓孩子受苦」當成愛的證明，卻沒想過，那也可能是把準備他面對往後人生的機會，提早拿走了。That line stops me — it's easy to treat "stepping in right away so a child doesn't suffer" as proof of love, without realizing it can also mean taking away the chance to prepare them for what's ahead.
先擁有，還是先賺到 Given first, or earned first
他講了朋友 David 的故事：兒子 Nick 國二那年想要新出的 iPod，David 沒有直接買給他，而是把 iPod 放到架子高處，讓 Nick 用接下來九個月，每個月分期付款把它賺回來。He tells a friend's story: David's son Nick wanted the new iPod that had just come out, in eighth grade. Instead of simply buying it for him, David put the iPod up on a high shelf and had Nick make monthly payments over the next nine months to earn it.
「他學會了工作和等待這門藝術。」"He'd learned the art of working and waiting along the way."
稱讚的，是他能做到的，還是他改變不了的 Praising what he can do, or what he can't change
他說 Carol Dweck 找了兩組十歲孩子做同一份測驗，結束後一組被告知「你一定很聰明」，另一組被告知「你一定很努力」。He says Carol Dweck gave two groups of ten-year-olds the same test. Afterward, one group was told "you must be smart," the other "you must have really tried hard."
「幾乎沒有第一組的孩子想接受挑戰。剛被告知自己很聰明的孩子，反而不想再試——他們心裡好像在想：我可能沒有那麼聰明，那我現在就停在『你很聰明』這裡好了。」"Almost none of the kids in the first group wanted to take the test. The ones that had just been told they were smart didn't want to take it — it's almost like they were thinking: I don't think I'm that smart, actually. I'm gonna stop right here with 'you're smart.'"
最後一輪測驗，被稱讚聰明的那組成績反而退步了三成。In the final round of testing, the group that had been praised for being smart scored 30% worse.
「我們發現，當你肯定的是他們無法控制的變數時，你製造出來的是一個固定型思維。」"We discovered that when you affirm variables that are out of their control, you produce a fixed mindset."
我想到一件事——我們稱讚的，常常是他改變不了的那個部分：聰不聰明、漂不漂亮；而不是他真正做了什麼決定、用了什麼方法、撐了多久。Here's what comes to mind — what we praise is often the part he can't change: how smart he is, how good-looking he is; not the decision he actually made, the approach he used, how long he held on.
把兩個故事放在一起看：一個總被接住、總被稱讚聰明的孩子，遇到難事時手上是空的；Nick 那九個月的分期付款，反而給了他相反的經驗——等待和努力，是有用的。Put the two stories side by side: a child who's always been caught and always told he's smart arrives at something hard with empty hands; Nick's nine months of payments gave him the opposite experience — that waiting and effort actually work.
上一次孩子（或我自己）遇到很難的事，我先做的動作是什麼——伸手接住，還是陪他撐一下？The last time a child — or I myself — faced something hard, what did I do first: reach in and catch it, or stay beside it and let it be held a little longer?
引自 Growing Leaders（Tim Elmore）「12 個教養常見誤區」影片研讀系列 Session 3，逐字稿取自 YouTube 官方字幕。
Quoted from Growing Leaders (Tim Elmore), "12 Mistakes Parents Make" video-study series, Session 3. Transcript from YouTube's official captions.
「凡管教的事，當時不覺得快樂，反覺得愁苦；後來卻為那經練過的人結出平安的果子，就是義。」（希伯來書 12:11）
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11)
透過耶穌這道路，走回與天父重建的依戀關係，是我們所知所行一切的根基。This path through Jesus — to rebuild our attachment with the Heavenly Father — is the foundation beneath everything we know and do.